Shinny Talks About Slashing
(and other NHL crimes)
Published in October 2000 -  Diane Lau

It seems the major topic of analysis during the pre-season this year was the preponderance of slashing calls made by the referees. We at Snacks consider it our journalistic duty therefore to address this subject in order that our readers may clarify their thoughts about it and thus be better able to speak on the topic when it is inevitably raised at the office water cooler or your next cocktail party.

First of all, we really appreciate the efforts of the British Columbia judicial system and Marty McSorley to demonstrate to us all what slashing looks like. Thanks to the trial, we’ve all gotten to see Marty swing with his legal stick at the head of Donald Brashear (although he maintains he was aiming for something else…and if this is a demonstration of Marty’s aim, we understand why he never tried to make it as a scorer), not once but at least 27 times. Yes, at least here in the U.S., that footage has been replayed more than a Dodge commercial during our hockey broadcasts. We’ve got it down pat now, and if ever that burglar returns to Hockey House, we’ll know what to do with Carbo’s Sher-wood.

But the NHL players, being professionally trained and experienced, are pretty sly about their slashing. In spite of the fact that we haven’t seen a lot of activity like McSorley’s conk on Brashear, the referees are not being fooled. It hasn’t kept them from calling an average of 32 slashing penalties per game. NHL officials are a bright bunch: they know when a sneaky player like Pavel Bure lifts his stick off the ice that he’s preparing to slash somebody and they better get the whistle ready. After all, if Paul Kariya can get a suspension, everyone in the league is suspect.

Some of the players, bristling under this new "zero-tolerance" policy, have taken to using some pretty clever tactics to avoid slashing calls. Take Tony Amonte, for example. He did quite a dandy job of camouflaging slashing as goalie interference in the Blackhawks’ recent game against the Sabres. As a pile of players crushed Dominik Hasek under their teeming bulk, no one noticed Amonte’s surreptitious slash. Pretty smart, Tony!

And we’ve heard that Brett Hull has been experimenting with some equipment designed to outwit the refs. You see him here practicing with a new stick that generates "forgetfulness rays," which render the officials unable to recall what exactly slashing looks like, in spite of Marty McSorley’s excellent example.

The entire San Jose Sharks team has banned together to fight the new policy. They voted to leave the team’s giant shark head out on the ice during games as an intimidation tactic towards the referees. If a ref makes a motion to call slashing, you can be sure a San Jose player will respond by saying, "Slashing? How about a demonstration of BITING?" This plan has apparently had some success, since in Sharks’ games to date, the officials have only called 16 slashing penalties per game.

As for Donald Brashear, he outwitted everyone during the Canucks home opener by using his stick for the unusual purpose of scoring a goal. At least, we THINK he scored a goal…it could have actually been carefully disguised slashing…

So, what is our opinion here at Snacks about these rampant slashing calls? Well, the only problem we see with it, other than that this year the Stars will have to kill off all those penalties without Carbonneau, is that it distracts the refs from calling other equally heinous penalties. We can just see, for example, eight players sitting on top of Patrick Roy, pinning all his limbs to the ice while Chris Osgood shoots and scores from the red line. "Nope, no slashing there!" Mark Faucette would say.

The reason we must pick on Faucette is because he and his associate Don O’Halloran are obviously so preoccupied with searching for slashing that they’ve forgotten their subtraction tables. How else can you explain that experienced NHL referees could think that if there is a power play in overtime, it’s 5 on 4? We’re sure when the Avs protested the situation during their season opener against the Stars, Mark and Don simply replied, "4 on 3? 4 on 3? Hey, this is just a clever ploy to distract us from watching for slashing, isn’t it?"

But it’s true that the slashing obsession does prevent us all from noticing other things going on on the ice. Similarly, the obsession with McSorley’s assault on Brashear is distracting us from the other crimes going on in the league. While we’re letting the civic justice system tackle Marty, we’d like to see a few other charges brought as well. For example, let’s charge:

You get the idea. Bottom line, we think the NHL has to keep in mind there’s more going on in this league than slashing. And if you disagree, well, we and the Sher-wood say, DUCK!!!