A Tragic Encounter from Shinny...
Shinny Interviews a Scrap of Vezina's Pads
Published in August 2000 -  Diane Lau

I’m here today with a truly tragic figure of hockey in the modern world, a scrap of Georges Vezina’s goalie pads. For those of you who haven’t heard, 18 of the new Be A Player cards will feature Vezina-trophy-winning goalies along with small scraps of the only extent pair of the famous netminder’s pads. We’d like to hear directly from one of the victims...er, a part of the victim, of this controversial event.

Q: Scrap, how are you doing?
A: Well, obviously I’ve been better. I’ve certainly been larger.

Q: Tell us in your own words about the circumstances that have brought you to this bitter fate.
A: It’s hard to even speak of it, Shinny, but I’ll do it for the sake of the Chicoutimi Cucumber, may he rest in peace, unlike myself, who must instead rest in pieces.

Q: I’m glad we got that joke out of the way right off.
A: You’re welcome. Well, it all began in the satanically twisted mind of some marketing guy at In the Game, Inc., the hockey card company. They were able to buy Vezina’s pads, and with the trend today to incorporate "game-used" elements into trading cards, it seemed like a great idea. They cut up game-worn jerseys and sticks of current players, so why not make use of past players’ equipment as well? Say, here’s an idea—why not find some equipment of tremendous historical significance, belonging to one of the greatest players of the past, and dice that up for hockey cards? Why not find something unique and irreplaceable, the equivalent of which isn’t even present in the collection of the Hall of Fame, and put it under the knife until it’s COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE?!?!?

Q: I must confess, I wouldn’t recognize you, say, if we met at a cocktail party.
A: You mean if you’d had a couple Molsons you wouldn’t be able to tell this tiny square of leather was once used to stop pucks by one of the greatest goalies IN HISTORY?

Q: Not really, sorry.
A: Well, what a surprise! No, it’s better if the magnificence I once possessed is sacrificed so that hockey geeks everywhere might be able to stick me in their card binders, or trade me for the latest "Holo-zoptic Crease Crashers" Jagr card?

Q: I see your point, but we don’t want to insult card collectors, they’re generally a fine bunch...even the Editor...
A: And what would the Editor do if someone came in here to cut up La Sainte Flanelle, eh? Imagine a chunk of that "2" in a shoebox in Kamloops, and a sliver of that "1" in a card store in Scranton?

Q: Did you have to pick Scranton?
A: Well, she better put it in her will that she doesn’t want LSF cut up, or he could end up like me.

Q: Since I suspect she’ll be buried in LSF, the point is probably moot. But anyway, we really need to find a way to make this interview more humorous. So far it’s just making me want to cry.
A: Good luck.

Q: Okay, what about the argument that this way more people can enjoy owning a part of history? That’s the main case the card company makes for their decision.
A: It’s all about the Pieces Principle, Shinny.

Q: The Pieces Principle? Does this have something to do with astrology?
A: "The sum of the parts is less great than the whole."

Q: Oh. That’s a new one.
A: Let’s say someone sends you a toenail clipping in the mail. How do you react?

Q: By dialing 911?
A: But it’s clearly labeled as a toenail clipping of Mario Lemieux. It has a certificate of authenticity...

Q: And a photo of his bathroom?
A: Okay, and a photo of his bathroom. It’s a nice toenail clipping suitable for framing. But does it tell you anything about Mario Lemieux?

Q: Is it clean?
A: You know what I mean. Such a small piece of Mario Lemieux isn’t going to express much about him, unless you use it for cloning.

Q: But you definitely can’t clone goalie pads.
A: Don’t remind me.

Q: I get your point.
A: Plus, just think for a moment if we continued down this primrose path of dissection...

Q: Sounds like a new Stephen King e-book title.
A: What’s to stop some card company’s marketing guy, if he’s got the bucks, from acquiring other important things to slice and dice?

Q: You mean, like Marty McSorley’s illegal stick from the 1993 Cup Finals?
A: Or all the extent tapes of Al Michaels saying "Do you believe in miracles?"

Q: Or the FUBU shirt Ed Belfour wore for his mug shots?
A: Well, probably not that...

Q: Or the Carolina Hurricanes logo?
A: I’m not sure—

Q: Or S.J. Sharkey?
A: Shinny, hold up. Some of these things are not—

Q: Imagine if they sliced up Sharkey! Sushi cards!
A: Are you just trying to make this interview more humorous?

Q: Is it getting more humorous?
A: Not really.

Q: Then, no.
A: All right then. But you see what I’m trying to say here...

Q: Sure, if you had a card and it was a scrap of teal, you really wouldn’t know if it were a fin or a tail or what. So what would be the point?
A: Um, right.

Q: So I say, leave Sharkey intact!
A: Shinny—

Q: We owe it to future generations who never got to see him dangling from the rafters of the Shark Tank while people struggled in vain to free him, to leave S.J. Sharkey in one piece!
A: Shinny—

Q: SAVE THE SHARK! I’m calling Greenpeace right now...
A: Oy. Shinny...we were discussing Vezina’s pads!

Q: I know, I know, I’m just trying to forget the horror of this deed by distracting myself with absurd images of teal polyester and fluffy fiberfill flying in every direction.
A: Is it working?

Q: Not really. So, dear readers, if any of you are, or are related to, or live in the vicinity of, or know the e-mail address of, any of these crazy marketing guys who want to continue making confetti out of the history of our game, tell them THE MADNESS MUST STOP!
A: And do your part too by adopting as much cool memorabilia as you can, to keep it safe from these dangerous entrepreneurs. If I had had a home as secure as La Sainte Flanelle has, this never would have happened to me.

Q: And for god’s sake, if you have a large salt water pool in your backyard, consider giving Sharkey a home today!
A: Absurd images again, Shinny?

Q: It’s the only way to forget the nightmare, Scrap.