Legitimate winners...
Published in January 2001 - Jeff Z. Klein & Karl-Eric Reif

George W. Bush's theft of the American presidential election last month plunged half the U.S. public into depression, but the first shipment of Zoloft ought to be reserved for fans of the Buffalo Sabres.

Why?  Because they went through all this only a year and a half ago. Consider: Just as Bush-Gore was a razor-thin battle royale that went way, way into overtime, so too did the '99 Stanley Cup Final between the Sabres and Dallas Stars.  Bush finally "won" because Florida's votes were never properly counted; the Stars finally "won" on a goal that should never have counted, Brett Hull's foot-in-the-crease tally in the third extra period of Game 6.  When the Democrats appealed, the Rehnquist Supreme Court dreamed up a decision that prevented a proper remedy, basically on the grounds that it was too late to do anything about it;  when the Sabres appealed, Commissioner Bettman's minions dreamed up the application of the incorrect rule to uphold the "goal," basically because it was too late to do anything about it. Everyone knows that George Bush did not really get enough votes to win the 2000 election, and that he cannot be a legitimate president;   everyone knows that the Stars didn't really win the four games necessary to claim the 1999 Cup, and that they were not legitimate champions.  

And finally -- and this is the worst thing of all -- we will now have in the White House a stupid Texan, beloved by most of the capital-punishment- loving, gun-fellating idiots in that moronic state, just as the grunting, iodine-deprived sports fans of Dallas got to smear their filth-encrusted hands on Lord Stanley's stately chalice. Christ, neither Bush nor the Stars are originally from Texas anyway.  Americans' only consolation:   Bush stole a presidential election -- bad, but not nearly as bad as stealing the Stanley Cup.  Just ask Sabres fans.

Jeff Z. Klein and Karl-Eric Reif. Klein and Reif write for 'The New York Times' and 'The Village Voice' and are the authors of 'The Death of Hockey,' 'The Coolest Guys On Ice,' 'Original Six,' 'The All-New Hockey Compendium,' and other works. 

Copyright © 2001 -  "Above & Beyond Hockey" and Jeff Z. Klein & Karl-Eric Reif